A different viewpoint...

April Fools 2013 Edition

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Added 4/30, because on this date in 1859 Charles Dickens published A Tale of Two Cities, in serial form.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way ....

Everything is fine at App...

Chancellor's new clothesThe University has assured the community that all is well and there is not need to pay any attention to petitions of complaint signed by dozens of senior faculty.

Nor should there be any concern about a recent vote of no confidence in the Provost, a negative vote by a margin of one.

(We should note that a tie vote in a Departmental Personnel Committee tenure vote is considered to be a negative vote.)


Bad apple

With apologies to Scott Adams...

Not so fine with tattling web site at ASUTattling!

It turns out that ASU's new website, EthicsPunt, indeed does not log the IP address of the user, to provide anonymity.

It actually works too well.

We have heard that in one of the first tattles it worked so well that the University actually searched email to try to identify the tattler.

Now, that's scary.

And, can't you just have all the confidence in the world about discussing a problem with the new (yet another) office of Ombudsman?



Damned if you can, damned if you can't


The University presented a workshop/retreat on the work/life balance.

The problem was that if you had time to go, you did not need to. If you did not have time, then you probably needed to go.


This was actually another sting operation: the registration list is to be used as a list of people who are probably not essential. This is reminiscent of a previous sting.



Lordy: couldn't Carey less...

Booted againThe Provost defended her actions in a recent email. "I am working hard to support the faculty in achieving the goals that I have figured out should be their goals," said Provost Lordy Gonoverzealous.

In the email she defended Vice Provost of Nefarious Faculty, Tawny Careylessness. As a reward for his hard work and loyalty, the VP will have half his work taken from him by splitting his position.

The response itself is another in a series of questionable decisions (see previous Seen). We'll see if it lasts. As a colleague said, "every car she's driven into the lot has been booted."



With apologies to Scott Adams...

Foulish actions

Sign at gunpointWe heard reports that the Provost had a meeting called for all deans to sign a loyalty oath to the administration.

Apparently many of the University's deans crawled to the meeting and grovelled their way to providing their signature. A couple are reported to have preserved their dignity and refused to sign.

Oddly, the report is that the person serving as the shill to call the meeting was Lynd A. Foolisham. Yes, the equal opportunity official.

A few weeks later she resigned, giving the time-proven reason to spend more time with her family. (No, we are not making that up.)

We await the announcements by those few deans that they will be stepping down to spend more time in their department.

Department in College of Business to be RestructuredTop Down

More changes on the way: the College of Business has been told to change one of their departments and rename it to reflect the new emphasis. The newly restructured program will be the Department of Top-down Micro Mismanagement.

A main goal is to produce majors who could serve as administrators in universities.



ASU saves money on disseminating information

WD ASU recently announced that it would be hring a new position: Vice Provost of Research. As often happens, the faculty were first made aware of this decision by reading it in the Watauga Democrat.

Makes us feel special.





University strategy for SACS

AttributesThe University carefully prepared its plan for the SACS review. They gathered a large amount of data, hopefully to distract the team from noticing either the widespread dissent on campus or the ill-chosen theme for the Quantity Enhancement Plan (or was that Quality?). While many lists of attributes of college graduates desired by employers include critical thinking, working in groups, and good communication (hmm..that sounds like research experience), we decided on, well, international experience, which appears on no lists.

In his 4/11 email about SACS, the Chancellor said they were "overwhelmed by the enthusiasm for the topic of Global Learning and international education on our campus." We must assume that enthusiasm is among the deans, chairs and administrators who have gotten lots of free junkets to other countries.



Big Data
With apologies to Scott Adams.

The beatings will continue until the morale improves...Stick Em Up!

The University tried to pressure faculty member Diva Needledman to change his grant proposals to fund his academic year salary. It seems that it was not enough that he was a model faculty member, bringing in grants, doing research, public outreach and good teaching.

"This would allow us to charge even more indirect and reroute more money directly into our programs," said College of Healthy Stuff, Dean Fretting Whittlessly.

We can't keep having a prof get tons of grants that just help him do his research, said Provost Gonoverzealous.


Speaking of grants ...We don't need the money!

At the annual Grant Writers Reception the Provost was heard to say that we should not bother with grant proposals that do not bring in indirect funds for the University. Research and Grants Deans Dimly Hunted and Holy Hurts were seen to shudder.

Really makes a lot of us feel appreciated for bringing in hundreds of thousands of dollars in equipment funding.

"We really need those indirect funds to build the Health Stuff program," said an official.


University experiments with survey design

Appalachian is experimenting with having campus surveys designed by freshmen students in Survey 1001. This is our conclusion based on several of the questions on the campus Climate Survey, which had items like that below. This one is in the category of "perception is the same as data."



And, they had questions that did not have a "Not applicable" choice that we married faculty might need:

Survey 2

Required readingRead daily!

The editor had a student assistant trot the required form over to the Provost's office for signature to allow alcohol at a University event. The student was told that the form was old--it had been changed a few months ago. Having the presence of mind to ask if they had sent out an email to everyone about that, she was told "No, we expect the faculty to keep up on the Policies Manual."

I don't know about you but I start each day perusing that document (which has dead links, by the way).

EDBERT (private joke)

Don't print in color!!

With apologies to Scott Adams.

AIMless...My AIM is True

Almost a day does not go by without AIM going down. It's almost a waste of time for them to email us that it is down again. And, don't you just love those cute sayings on the AIM home page? Very professional...

AIMless sayings

Subject: Great retirement perk...Cessna

How do I get mine? I'll take a Cessna!



Moore foolishness...Ticket money, please?

Moore FoolsAppalachian, after showing Jerry Moore the door, made another fine decision in moving to BCS. In the Sun Belt we will play such fine teams as Idaho and New Mexico State. Students are already starting to save for airline tickets to go to the games.




This site is not an official voice of Appalachian State University, but merely a light-hearted look at the news. The people, places, creatures, corporations, and institutions in this Seen are fictitious: any resemblance to actual people, places, creatures, corporations, or institutions is strictly coincidental. No animals, especially administrators, were harmed in its production.

Previous Editions

Click here to see the first Edition of the Seen - Parking Deck, VC for Parakeets, TVAC budget

Click here to see Volume 2 of the Seen - Campus elevators, Weather policy, first Edbert

Click here to see Volume 3 of the Seen - Perk cars, Acting Administrators, Edbert, Google finds The Seen!

Click here to see Volume 4 of the Seen - Design errors in New Rankin, VC for Renaming things, ASU threatens the Seen

Click here to see Volume 5 of the Seen - HP adds indoor kayaking, ASU clamps down on saving money, Alum system moves to Banner, Edbert, Toilet Paper problem, Yet another paper towel dispenser, Parakeet Pedagogy, Extreme diet options at Park Place Dining,

Click here to see Volume 6 of the Seen - ASU buys Boone, Public Art, Grant holdup, Edbert, Creationist propaganda

Click here to see Volume 7 of the Seen - Bridge for Nobody, Stairway, We never learn, abandoning SACS, Edbert, Physical Plant, Downsizing Sting

Click here to see Volume 8 of the Seen - Bridge for Nobody revisited, Whine Science, Return of Pipe Sculpture, Study Abroad, Gen Ed Dynamic Faculty Allocation System, Edbert, UNC-Winston-tastes-good, New ID cards

Click here to see Volume 9 of the Seen - Big Chill, Announcing BridgeCam, Leaking Roofs, ASU email, Edbert (several!), Department Plans, ASU Smoking Plan, Managing by Matrix

Click here to see December, 2012 Seen - All Lordy...



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