A different viewpoint...

September 23, 2004 Edition

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Campus Admits Error in Design of Newest Addition to Rankin Science

ASU officials have admitted a gross error in the design of the newest part of the Rankin Science complex. In an inexplicable move, the new building was designed to actually have the floors on the same level as the adjoining building. Students would no longer be confused in navigating the building if this error were left uncorrected.

Campus construction chief, Clod Robbings, said they have two solutions to the problem. The first would have stopped construction to allow the entire new building to be jacked up about five feet. "This would be ridiculous," said Robbings in a press release. Instead, the new addition will be left at its original elevation and the entire rest of the campus lowered half a floor.

In a related story, the project's contractor, Bogus Construction, said that during the demolition of the old structure five long-lost students were found in the crevices. Rumored for years to exist and to be still trying to find their classes, some of the students dated back to the late 1970s.

New Position Created to Rename Positions and Departments

Given the continuing renaming of administrative departments, the University has decided to create a cabinet-level position responsible for future name changes. ASU first jumped at the opportunity to follow the herd in renaming Personnel as "Human Resources," possibly reflecting a previous administration's viewpoint. Recently it was decided to rename the Purchasing department. "We found the title too simple and straightforward," said Bill Rankings, chief of the new Materials Management department.

Trying to take a lead in the movement, ASU apparently decided that Admissions is too obvious a title for a unit that, well, admits students. "Enrollment Services sounded sufficiently confusing for a new title." said new chief Hardly M. Willing. "Besides, there were a lot of surplus 'Services' sitting available now that banks and insurance companies are pretending to actually have 'products'."

To take on the renaming process, ASU has created the vice chancellor of Naming Academic Units, Sections and Educational Administrators. To fill the position, it is planned to do a nationwide search this year, find nobody good, and then do it all over again next year.

[Editor's note: while entering this article I heard a Carolina Panthers penalty called for "encroachment" (off-sides). I think I am going to barf.]

With apologies to Scott Adams...

New ASU Administration Threatens the Appalachian Seen!

No, no--they are not threatening to shut us down. Rather, they have so far made mostly reasonable decisions on policy. That does not bode well for our site. But, give them time!

This site is not an official voice of Appalachian State University, but merely a light-hearted look at the news. The people, places, creatures, corporations, and institutions in this scene are fictitious: any resemblance to actual people, places, creatures, corporations, or institutions is strictly coincidental. No animals, especially administrators, were harmed in its production.

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