A different viewpoint...

December 3, 2012 Edition

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University proposes to change its name


The University is proposing to change its name from Appalachian to a new name that more accurately represents the bulk of work going on here: it will become Assessment State University.

"Most of our activities over the last few years have become related to report-writing instead of actual scholarship or teaching," said former Interim Provost Leanin Backhover, who developed the concept. Newly arrived Provost Lordy Gonzealous said she will decide if she supports the proposed change after she appoints a committee to assess the situation.

The University is appealing to SACS to have the new AssState in perpetual review to maximize the efficiency of local committee members, who will be appointed for life. This is happening after ASU withdrew from its previous accreditation agency (see the June 28, 2006 Seen).

"With having to implement the FITS reports to prevent more external funds from putting flat screen TVs in PIs' condos, and Effort Reports for no apparent reason, we figured that this is the next logical step," said Backhover. "Plus, we are already using a lot of faculty time to gather artifacts and rubrics in the fabulously successful Gen Ed program."

Noting that students were not doing enough assessing, beyond course evaluations, the administration came up with student evaluation of their ASU employers.

The progress will be tracked on Digital Mismeasures, the new reporting tool adopted by the University.

Coincident with this, the University motto will become AssUme Nothing.

New KGB type web site at ASUKGB

ASU's new concern with the Complete Comprehensive Commiepliance Policy (CCCP), will allow anyone at the University to report activities that they suspect are in violation of University rules. In a letter to faculty, staff and students, Provost Gonzealous said the web site, EthicsPunt, doesn't log the IP address of the user, so it provides anonymity. Sort of. Maybe. The rights of the accused to face their accuser were not discussed.

"We think this will improve the morale at ASU, or at least not make it much worse," another administrator, who did not want to be identified, told the Seen.

(The editor has reported this administrator at said web site.)

Ivory Tower Brewery to be squeezed into CAP

Rivers Street

The University has been considering moving the Ivory Tower Brewery to the CAP building.

"We think this will not only provide a lovely aroma to the interior of cap but will also add to the ambiance of Rivers Street, providing an on-campus bar for students to use on the way to class," said Gonzealous.

"A new level of classiness that goes beyond the classroom," she continued.

To make room for the brewery, the Provost is considering moving the Computer Science faculty from offices to cubicles or partitioned areas in open space.

An alternative plan would be to move each CS department faculty member to a different building.

"Divide and conquer!" she said.


With apologies to Scott Adams...

Going greenless

Gonzealous revamping open space.

We see that in yet another brilliant decision the University is planning to get rid of the last large green space--the Sanford Mall. "We can't have a space that is just used to have frivolous outdoor activities like frisbee, relaxing in the sun between classes, or taking time off to synthesize what they have learned," said Provost Gonzealous.

"There is no more space to expand the campus. We cannot try to acquire valuable town property like the Southern States property or other dilapidated or outgrown buildings. They add to the charm of Boone."

Asked about the fact that we have no money for new buildings, Gonzealous had no reply.

Broyhill to be razed and replaced with, well, dunnoGonzealous tears down Broyhill

More wise use of resources was also announced recently--the closing of the Broyhill Center. The facility will be replaced by open space where it used to be. This demolition will make way for unknown future buildings. "We can't use it for, say, desperately needed office space since using the motel rooms for offices would give faculty their own large offices with private baths. That would make them too comfortable."

Asked again about the fact that we have no money for new buildings, Gonzealous had no reply.

ASU to adapt to new funding metrics

Prisoner students ASU recently announced that it would be planning to meet the challenge of new funding metrics based on the number of students retained from freshmen to sophomores. "We have come up with a plan to simply incarcerate the freshmen at the end of their first year and thus have a 100% retention rate.

There are discussions of converting the Broyhill (see above) to a Freshman prison.


Coincident with this action, ASU had adopted the new screen saver logo "Finish in Four," to supposedly encourage students to graduate in four years. This is in spite of any evidence that this is even possible, given that most students change majors at least once. Asked about this, newly appointed Vice Provost of Undergraduate Destruction, Mike N. Leftfield, said " we can't have students stay longer to get a degree in something they discover they are passionate about. They have to finish in four--that's the new University Rule."

Edbert Logo

With apologies to Scott Adams...

University ignores judicial panel

PeacockThe Chancellor has chosen to ignore the recommendations of a committee of faculty on the violation of academic freedom of a tenured sociology professor. The time cost of hearings: 24 hours. Number of exhibits at the hearing: over 100. Cost of salaried time in the investigation: thousands of dollars. The result of squelching of innovative or controversial teaching: Priceless.


This site is not an official voice of Appalachian State University, but merely a light-hearted look at the news. The people, places, creatures, corporations, and institutions in this Seen are fictitious: any resemblance to actual people, places, creatures, corporations, or institutions is strictly coincidental. No animals, especially administrators, were harmed in its production.

Previous Editions

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Click here to see Volume 4 of the Seen - Design errors in New Rankin, VC for Renaming things, ASU threatens the Seen

Click here to see Volume 5 of the Seen - HP adds indoor kayaking, ASU clamps down on saving money, Alum system moves to Banner, Edbert, Toilet Paper problem, Yet another paper towel dispenser, Parakeet Pedagogy, Extreme diet options at Park Place Dining,

Click here to see Volume 6 of the Seen - ASU buys Boone, Public Art, Grant holdup, Edbert, Creationist propaganda

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